Time To Heal

So, I know I'm not your average, timely, clockwork, by the book, or rules blogger/ vlogger, but....I just do things by my own book. I am here to share with you guys and be very transparent and truthful. I must say, everything is so fast paced, and I feel like I need to hurry and get things done. Well, that doesn't fit into my lifestyle. So, with that being said, I must let you guys in on a little secret. I have been on a semi hiatus. I know, it sounds like a cop out or a simple hide out. But it's been a little over a year since I lost my husband. It still hurts, I'm still confused and I'm still in disbelief. But it is getting easier to understand. I can tell you, death of a spouse is something that you just can't jump into okays-ville with.  Any death for that matter. At least I can't, let me know if you know of anyone that can. We all will have a time where we will need to heal. It won't be the same time or thing, but it will be healing just the same.

Change is a part of life as well. I don't like change, but I can't stop it from happening either. I find myself helping people and not even really setting out to. Guess it's in my DNA. Well just the same. If anyone out there is hurting for whatever reason, find a way to cope. My way is journaling, or talking to God. It's a great release for me and I always end up feeling a lot better. Sometimes I just cry. Crying is also very therapeutic.

I spent a lot of time trying to appear strong when in fact I was not. I was weak, I was hurting, I missed my husband, I didn't understand why I wasn't given time to even process his having cancer. His doctor found a tumor 0n his tonsil in June of 2021. and February of 2022 he was diagnosed with 4th stage Pharyngeal cancer. We were both stumped. November 17th he made another year older, and day after Thanksgiving he was gone. I was angry, sad, confused and didn't know how to react or respond. I prayed until I fell asleep, I read the bible until I fell asleep, then I started sleeping less and less. I never talked to anyone about my feelings about my husband. I dare not, the truth would probably come out.  What truth you're thinking...that I was a hurting, confused wreck of a woman.

I ate, but mostly I nibbled. I felt awful, I looked awful. I took no pride in my appearance and even less in life. Sure I could fool my family, they were easy. Except my son's, they were a little harder to fool. So I just worked extra hard around them. I had lost everything after my husband passed. I was let go from my job and told to "focus" on my health before we found out about his cancer. So I was out of a job. I stayed home, never went out unless I had to. Which was not often. I wasn't working anymore, so why bother. At night I would just cry and cry until I fell asleep. My eyes are naturally small so the next day the puffiness and smallness of them didn't raise any suspicions.

I watched church online and shopped online. This was going to work after all. Some days I was high on the spirit, others I was living in the valley. Holidays were the worst. I didn't celebrate Christmas for anything other than Jesus was born. Since my father died the day after Christmas in 1998. So with my husband passing the day after Thanksgiving in 2022 that made it completely understandable to myself why I didn't care for the holidays and family gatherings.

It seemed that time was passing faster and faster. I was pushing so hard to be normal but it was getting so hard that I would be laughing at something that was funny, and then end up crying. I concerned myself. I started praying for my mental health and to be able to deal the emotions I had crammed inside since November 25, 2022.  It wasn't easy, and I  refused to take medication. I realized that I was blaming myself for my husband dying, thinking I could have done more or that I could have prevented it. Then I realized God had prepared before hand I just didn't want to accept it. I came to the conclusion that all I needed was to trust in God and believe that He would help me through what was a hard and grievous time. I still take it day by day and I still keep my focus on Jesus. The moral to the story....we are human. We will have days where we don't feel like smiling, laughing, praying, reading our word or even helping others. The thing we need to always remember is that Jesus is closer than we think, and it's ok to need Him and it's ok to be human. I am leaving you guys with a few scriptures to help you through those rough times. 

Scriptures For Grief
1. Psalm 34:18 “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
2. Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
3. Jeremiah 30:17 “But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the LORD.
4. Psalm 107:20 “He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.”
5. Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”
I hope these scriptures do you some good for your loss. They helped me a lot.

As always, before I end this blog post, I would like to extend an invitation to anyone that wants to receive Jesus as their Lord and Savior. If so just recite this prayer:

If you need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to email us here at info@urbeauty4asheswm.com. Someone will reach out within 24 hours of receiving your email. Remember, I love you with the love of the Lord. Til next post, be blessed.